The A-Z Of Being The Best Damn Indian Bahu You Can Be

Hi fellow eligible laydees! Today, in Sanskaar 101, I shall teach you how to be the PURRFECT Indian bahu. Bring out your pooja ki thali and a good ol’ coconut, ‘cuz we bout to do this A-Z.


A: Aashirvad is the path to salvation.

Do whatever it takes to get the big A. I mean, if not the Big O, make do with the Big A. Bend, bend, bend – for all the right reasons.

B: Babies ko deejiye birth.

Your worth in society is directly proportionate to the number of offspring you can produce in a lifetime. You, without dying midway, because of poor health schemes and judgmental gynacs, that is.

C: Cleavage is evil.

Um, the only person who should even know about your goodies is your P-Dev and your babies. There’s no need for a discussion here.

D: Dumb is desirable.

Pretend to not know anything and ask a total of zero questions in life. Close your eyes and do what P-Dev asks you to.

E: Ek chutki sindoor 🙂

WOWIEZ, that red!
Ek Chutki Sindoor > Do Boond Zindagi Ki

F: Fairness creams = gift from the gods

Bathe in nothing but a beautiful mix of all the Fair and Lovely variants. Doodh si safedi isn’t just for Nirma, girl.

G: Ghoonghat on point…always.

Because, Ghoonghat = Sharam

Sharam = Reason for existence

H: Happiness is Haram.

There’s literally no need to look for happiness, simply because the world wasn’t made for you. You were put here to please P-Dev and work towards his happiness. Chalo, chalo, don’t waste time.

I: There is no I.

You don’t exist. You don’t matter.

J: Jhaadu is an art form.

Sweep and swish! When you’re not on your knees pleasing the Pati, make sure you’re out cleaning vigorously to please the in-laws. You share your house with them, but that’s a lie too. It’s their house. They’re doing you a favour. Get up and clean up bb.

K: Karva Chauth is Christmas (because what’s more important than starving for Patidev?).

Starve yourself, but also make sure you don’t die because who will cook for P-Dev? You. The answer is you.

L: Lambe-lambe hair.

While you’re killin’ it at aartis, also make sure you look BOMB AF doing it. Because um, how else will anyone show you off?!

M: Maa duties > the world

I swear to God, if you’re bad at this…

Also, btw, don’t expect any help from the hubby when it comes to raising your children. It’s just like that.

N: No najayaz relations.

Stay inside the house, talk to no one. There’s only one man you can converse with. Take a guess who.

O: Orgasms are for men.

Need I explain myself? Keep your mouth shut and take it as it comes.

P: Patidev ko give love + nutrition + your soul

And everything in between. Kidney? Give that too. Have one left? Give that too.

Q: Qubool hai to EVERYTHING.

Yes, yes, yes and yes! Never say no.

R: Round rotis or nothing lady!

Know what’s going to happen if this doesn’t – ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

S: Sharam and sanskaar level: MAX

Be shy, talk less, hide behind shadows and serve anyone who walks.

T: Tatti to Teaspoon, clean it all.

What’s your pick?
Rin or Vim?

U: Usoolz ‘R’ Us!

Life works on usools. You work on usools. Anyone who doesn’t work on usools is not worthy of a conversation. Unless you have an internet connection, in which case please get a fake handle and hate on feminists.

V: Vagays are baby machines ONLY.

Don’t expect anything more. Keep it locked.

W: Workplace = kitchen

Job? What’s a job?! You’re a woman, offices are for men. Stay home, keep the kitchen clean. It’s your temple.

X: There are no Exes. Only one Patidev.

Ooooobviously.

Y: Y chromosome or abortion

Girl child? HOW DARE YOU GIVE BIRTH TO THAT? PUT IT BACK IN NOW!

Z: “Zamaana kya kahega?!”

Always think of zamaana. Never yourself.