It’s been a month since I sat down to write this. I kept staring at my screen wondering, have I processed everything that has happened enough to actually write about it?
Then I decided, to hell with that. I’ve got to get this out of my system.
I wore a bikini.
A brilliant peach halter with a beautiful lined bottom.
The color of summer, for what was the best summer of my life.
A momento for getting over the apprehension of allowing the world to see the ragged curves of my temple.
A trophy that did its own talking. I swore I heard it say:
“You won. You don’t need to fear your body anymore.”
Over and over again.
Till my ears listened and my lips parted in a sigh.
Till my gut reveled in the supremacy of it’s knowledge.
That my peach bikini would liberate me; would help me rejoice.
Help me shed my worries like a Slytherin waiting to be a Gyffindor.
Till I stood on a cliff by the ocean, watching my bikini blend with the sunset and screamed it out loud.
My proclamation of freedom. Of victory.
A moment I was happy to share with the world.
Till I did.
“Lady, you’ve got balls” said one.
Putting this up on the blue book that everyone stalks you from, I heard.
“NO! I have a vagina. It’s stronger,” my heart swelled.
“WOW. Without losing weight?” said another.
Your thighs are too thunderous, I heard.
“They had them in my size for a reason,” my heart laughed.
“You’re burning up my feed” came a third.
Seeing some I know wear this is hotter than ogling at women I don’t, I heard.
“My soul burns brighter,” my heart sang.
“OMG, what were you thinking?” said another out of mock concern.
Putting your body on display like that for the world to see, I heard.
“As if I invented the bikini,” my heart wondered.
“DAMN. I never knew you had this side” said a stranger stalker.
I’d have hit on you earlier, I heard.
“Thank God you din’t. BLOCK. ” my heart cringed.
“What will your parents say?” continued another.
How will they show their face in public again, I heard.
“Hopefully, that the happiness on my face is more important than what I wore in Portugal,” my heart shrugged.
“Amruta, there are horrible people on this planet. Predators really.” said a mother – like figure.
Do you really want to be the muse of a boner, I heard.
“As if I am the brain in their heads creating their thoughts,” my heart ROFL’ed
“I have no hopes from you.” MOM. NOT YOU TOO.
I don’t know who you’ve become, I heard.
“My own person,” my heart cried.
Is this all they see? The skin and not the soul.
Is this all they see? A part of the puzzle and nothing more?
Is this all they see? Without comprehending my struggle?
Is this all they see? FOR REALS?!
I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time. Say there was something that, And something that, I left behind. When I leave this world, I’ll leave no regrets. Leave something to remember, SO THEY WON’T FORGET. I WAS HERE! I lived. I loved. And I was here. I did. I’ve done. Everything that I’ve wanted, and it was more than I thought it would be. I will leave my mark, so everyone will know. I WAS HERE!
I never asked for opinions. And yet they came.
Flooding my feed, a tsunami of strain.
Leaving me wondering about more than just my vacay.
Morals, values, femininity, are you a blond with no brains?
All for a clothing choice defined as ”A two piece bathing suit”.
It really ought to come with a warning sign.
A bikini is a crystal ball.
It will reveal true intentions that will make you want to cut out unfruitful relationships over time.
Well, thankfully, there was more to come.
The silver lining after a total eclipse of the sun.
“You looked beautiful. Glad you had a good time,” said my bestie.
I can’t wait to get a vacay like this too, I heard.
“Thank you for being normal about this. SO SO MUCH” my heart burst.
“I told you it’ll be fun” chided my sister.
I hate you for going without me, I thought she riled.
“You should just tag along the next time,” my heart smiled.
“You’re killing it. Way to go young lady” said the stranger on the airplane.
You’ve got to keep doing this over and over again, I felt.
“I knew I had crossed the point of no return” my heart melt.
“Share your story, if it’ not too much trouble,” said my other co-passenger.
You really should talk about accepting your imperfections, I learnt.
“I’ll try” I cried tears of joy.
I’m still 63 kgs, and my pictures and videos may look bomb, but I am still the poster child of imperfections. And I figure I don’t need to be anything else. This is for those who thought I’ve suddenly acquired physical perfection. Please take a minute and understand I was born ‘perfect’. As complete as a human can be. The percentage of fat and lack of clothing define nothing. I’m proud of my body exactly as it is. Why? Because it’s my temple. It houses my heart and soul. The love handles, double chin, thunder thighs – are all intact. What has changed is the fucks I give towards what are considered ‘acceptable’ physical proportions to wear a bikini. I realized that people may look at my smart clothing choices and get the wrong idea. I was as societally imperfect as I can be, and nonetheless, I was at my happiest. Still am actually. I hope that the women looking at this know that I am just like the rest of you. I have my my flaws and I love them. I hope you do too! I’m going to shut my rant now. But a second one will be up soon for those who had opinions about my choice of clothes. Or lack of them. #peace #portugal #lisbon #lisboa #followmetoportugal #followmetolisbon #algrave #life #selfesteem
My peach bikini.
I wasn’t prepared for all you would lead me to.
You were choice I made split second.
A “yes” to a new experience.
Something to remember Algrave by.
Another outfit in the story of my life.
And yet today, you’ve become a filter.
To dispose off relationships lack lustre.
You’re my sock.
Freeing my house elf from the tyranny of false.
Thank you being more than you were meant to be.
Helping me identify those dispersed from individuality.
Thank you for acting like that truth serum I never had.
You’ve made it easy for me to distinguish love from flack.
And for those who took the time to go through this,
Somewhere on a rack, a peach bikini meant for you exists.