I am just not in love with you anymore.
There I said it. I finally said it.
It’s out there now. It’s suddenly real. All this while it was a figment of my imagination. A stream of thought that popped up, that I dared not acknowledge. But now, this mouth you once kissed with fervent passion, these lips that smiled at the knowledge of your very existence, have spoken words that they believe will cause agony, and all with no remorse. All I’m hoping for now, is that you’ve heard what I’ve just said. Hoping, ever so desperately, just so I don’t need to say it again. You just nod your head in denial. It seems to be more of an involuntary physical response. The reaction is so instantaneous that I’m agitated by what I know as your ability of selective hearing from the eons we spent together.
Dammit, you’re not listening!
I say it again. Actually, more like scream it out loud.
I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU ANYMORE!
Silence. Pin drop silence.
One that eerily resembles a dark hole that seems to have sucked us both in. A place I’m struggling to break free from. It’s freezing in here.
Or is this cold originating from my heart?
Your mouth twitches a little. Finally, a real response. I find myself staring at your eyes, waiting for recognition to dawn on your face. What I see is not what I expected. There is a melancholy in the doors to your soul, but there are no tears. All you’ve got is a distant look on your face. Why are your eyes not wide in horror? Why are they not numb with pain? Why do you seem so blank?
My heart skips a beat. It can’t be! I only just conceded to the truth to myself. I gained clarity the minute I said it out loud and not even a second earlier than that. I just found out, so how can this be?
You can’t have already known, could you?
I’m angrier now. Positively fuming. Instead of answering your questions, I’ve got a million of my own. Why do you know me so well? Why did you not say anything before? How long have you known? Has there ever been any love or did I fool myself into always putting you first? My feet have lost their strength, but I can’t let myself fall. I can’t do anything that will make me look vulnerable, because what if you put me first and we go back into thinking there is still something there?
Just how long were you going to watch me try and keep up the façade in my foolishness – trying to protect you from the hurt that in this moment you show no traces of?
I gave you a third of my life. I gave you all that you asked for, whether or not I could afford to give it to you. I gave you my sanity, I pushed my faith and belief away, pretty much walked in the exact opposite direction because you asked me to. I was tired, I was broken, I needed healing, and yet, all I found myself doing was wondering if you needed me more in that instant. I gave you more than what a person wants to give, or more specifically, needs to give a partner. I gave and gave and gave until this moment, when I realized that nothing has remained.
Did you think I would never comprehend the truth?
So tell me, now that you see me here like this, standing as tall as an empty shell can, with the shell being the slightest hint of self-esteem I have left, tell me, how long have you known that the love faded into oblivion all those years ago when you held on to me, chained me, into being together despite distance breaking us apart? How long have you known that even after I returned to a side hug instead of a tender loving kiss that I stayed because of loyalty and because I did not want to fail in the one thing I gave my all? How long have you known that I would be by your side even if it meant losing myself completely?
Were you ever going to stop me?
Were you going to tell me to hold on to the soul that you fell in love with? To find her back even if meant walking away from you in the meanwhile? To set me free, and wait till I returned completely healed? Why did you not, even though you knew that I most definitely would return, as I always had time after time, year after year, irrespective of what had caused us go our separate ways?
Were you going to ever set me free?
Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know anymore. I just want you to listen. And even if you don’t, I’ll be okay. As you can now see, I have snapped. Oh, don’t be so surprised. There is just enough ‘I’ left in me to support my body weight till I watch you walk away, never to return again and then crumble on to the floor and hope that the Earth swallows me whole. There is enough ‘I’ left in me to breathe, and breathe just one more time, till my heart finds its way back into my body again. There is enough ‘I’ left in me, to salvage my soul and in that fleeting momentary optimism – to believe that I can rebuild myself again – one act of self-love at a time.